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I heard someone say something today.  They said, “i wasn’t concerned with the who likes who…i was concerned with your heart.”

That person who said it was not a person i would imagine saying something of that nature. Of course i sell people short a lot but it floored me.

This is a picture of the journal i made tonight… Darfur has been on my heart a lot this holiday season.  Maybe because it makes me want to stand for something.  maybe because it’s damn near time i supported something bigger than just me and this place.  I want to do something significant.  I want to love.  Darfur is big but stopping genocide is not.

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It’s no longer about making a stand.  It’s about people.  It’s about love. It’s about change.  It’s about promise.

It has never been about numbers…because the loss of one life is too many in my book.

I want love.

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Everything.  Yes, everything that i am.  Hurts.

I hurt people because of my pride. 

And everything i am is hurtful.

yea.

I realize that everything i think and feel…is dumb compared to the needs of this world.

I was sitting in the car today listening to a song about every tribe and every nation coming to the knowledge of jesus and singing that He reigns.  To sing that he reigns you have to get a revelation of who he is and what he is capable of. 

Here i am.  Sitting here almost having a Theology Degree.  I ignore what Christ has done in my life and what’s going to happen through me.  MOstly because i’m selfish.  Sometimes because i just want to be normal. 

I have a revelation of who He is…and yet i don’t sing of Him reigning.  I don’t live a lifestyle of showing his glory.

As hard as it is to look in the mirror right now in my life i need to.  I need to realize my state and grow from it. 

Oh Lord if you can hear a simple prayer from a girl that can’t offer you anything…please hear my prayer.

I don’t know who i am anymore.  I don’t know what i’ve done.  I don’t know how to remedy this problem.  I don’t know who to be or how to be.  I want to be held but i know your arms are the only ones that can sustain the weight that i have.  The weight i carry.  The weight that you don’t want me to carry.

All of my insecurities my faults and my deeds are right in front of your face.  You could drop me if you want.  You could turn your face away but yet you kept me.  You kept me.  I don’t want to be angry or bitter anymore i just want to be still.  Still and know that you are God.  I don’t want change in others…maybe i should look at myself before i point my finger at her.  Maybe i should realize the faults that i have within myself. 

This semester has been full of faults…

  • Him– yeah..the deepest secret of my soul.  Who i am and who i’ve been.He was the colliding factor of both worlds.  The past and the present and how i treat them.  HOw i treat myself
  • The “it” today.  I saw it and it looked me straight in the eye and told me to take it.  I stayed on the other side of the room and pretended not to hear it’s taunting words.  That didn’t work so i sat across the room and stared.  I won.  “It’ left the room before i did.  I didn’t cower down…no reason too.  I have some sort of victory.  Finally.
  • Jacquim– my heart breaks at the thought of his name.  I knew love deeply and i knew hurt greatly.  I’m getting over it a little everyday but i’m starting to realize it wasn’t me.  It wasn’t my body shape.  It was God.  “He wounds and his hands heal greatly.”
  • School– finding out i might not graduate rocked my world.  I am so done with this place.  I think i worked something out.
  • Them- never been so jealous in my entire life of 2 people.  It pains me to think that the two people who have opened their hands to me so freely…i have hurt worse.  Saying one thing and taking it back without thought of what the hell i am doing. 
  • Love-waht the hell is it and when will it find me?

We are made victorious by the already but not yet.  ALREADY DONE BUT NOT YET COMPLETED.  That’s what hope is my friend.

HOpe is believing in the salvation of the Philippines, of Kosova, of Serbia, Russia, Bosnia, and everywhere your heart goes.  Everytime you leave a place leave a piece of yourself.  The same piece.  The piece that spreads joy and love and hope and peace.

“Yes, Kristen, you do this.  This is where it’s at.”

“And kristen?  while you’re at it stop genocide.”

Kristen replies, “Hell yes i will.”

I never saw myself as one to compromise.  To lay aside the very thing that i thought were great for something much less.  And in essence this isn’t who I am at all. I wish I had some formulated excuses for the way i am.  For the way i acted towards him and her and the jealousy that has so gripped my heart. 

Why do i get so frustrated with myself over sin.  I know sin is wrong but my approach to it is completely wrong.  This is the way it’s supposed to work: you sin, you pick yourself up, you repent, and you never do it again.  This is the way that i do it: I sin, i beat myself up for 3.4 days, i sorta repent, and then i carry it around like a new bag.  It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.  Get over it Kristen, your not perfect. 

I am the most jealous person on the face of this earth.  I get mad.  I throw things.  I am jealous of a best friend who is been nothing but lovely to me.  Done nothing but sacrifice for me.  I tell him almost constantly that this is not the way things work for me, that i ‘m not like him but it’s not true.  Every momumental thing that has happened to me in the last 3 years…seems to have happened to him first.  Maybe i should watch.  Listen. 

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I will never forget the day that this picture was taken.  I remember it like it was yesterday in fact.  I was standing in a trash dump seeing things how this child saw them.  I can remember crying that day and not being able to wipe the tears from my eyes for fear of an eye infection.  I remember standing there wondering.  I also remember overhearing some people to my far left saying, “looks like any other trash dump we have ever been too.”  Funny that.  It looked like nothing i had ever seen before.  I understood God at that time more than ever.  He was in the broken, the poor, the lost and the searching.  I was among them and i was one.  I was a child who had lost there way so many months before and the only difference was, spiritually speaking, he had found me.  He found me with all of the things i promised i would never touch in my hands.  I was searching through a trash dump looking for pieces of my life.  I had no need to.  He held everything.

Stanley talked in chapel this morning about our insecurities and the things that we do to hide them.  I know that everyday i do something to hide an insecurity.  Whether it be cry.  Stay out of a conversation.  Talk bad about someone else.  Get mad about sin in someone else that is inside of me.  or just not love. 

Love.  I want to love without abandon…

The best friend today sent me this verse.

2 Corinthians 7:1

With promises like this to pull us on, dear friends, let’s make a clean break with everything that defiles or distracts us, both within and without. Let’s make our entire lives fit and holy temples for the worship of God.

This made me think about things from a different perspective.  Here the Apostle Paul is talking to the church at Corinth about making a clean break from the prositution and defilement that they had in the past and to love Jesus.  This verse applies so strongly to me right now.  I need to make a clean break from distractions.  I didn’t think that this walk would be this hard.  Sometimes I sit around and wonder why i can’t compromise like everyone else i know but God keeps me from it.  He makes donkey talks and sinners come to him.  Somewhere in the process of that people become chosen and begin to love again.  People being to hope again.

I want to be found within a yard of hell loving people into heaven.  I want passion for the lost and i want relationships.  I don’t want to brush dirt off my feet.  I want to love people so deeply that it is reflected so deeply in my life and my relationships.  I want that. 

I want it to read…”kristen johnson one who loves all and helps all hope.”

Dear lord…let it be.