I realize that everything i think and feel…is dumb compared to the needs of this world.

I was sitting in the car today listening to a song about every tribe and every nation coming to the knowledge of jesus and singing that He reigns.  To sing that he reigns you have to get a revelation of who he is and what he is capable of. 

Here i am.  Sitting here almost having a Theology Degree.  I ignore what Christ has done in my life and what’s going to happen through me.  MOstly because i’m selfish.  Sometimes because i just want to be normal. 

I have a revelation of who He is…and yet i don’t sing of Him reigning.  I don’t live a lifestyle of showing his glory.

As hard as it is to look in the mirror right now in my life i need to.  I need to realize my state and grow from it. 

Oh Lord if you can hear a simple prayer from a girl that can’t offer you anything…please hear my prayer.

I don’t know who i am anymore.  I don’t know what i’ve done.  I don’t know how to remedy this problem.  I don’t know who to be or how to be.  I want to be held but i know your arms are the only ones that can sustain the weight that i have.  The weight i carry.  The weight that you don’t want me to carry.

All of my insecurities my faults and my deeds are right in front of your face.  You could drop me if you want.  You could turn your face away but yet you kept me.  You kept me.  I don’t want to be angry or bitter anymore i just want to be still.  Still and know that you are God.  I don’t want change in others…maybe i should look at myself before i point my finger at her.  Maybe i should realize the faults that i have within myself. 

This semester has been full of faults…

  • Him– yeah..the deepest secret of my soul.  Who i am and who i’ve been.He was the colliding factor of both worlds.  The past and the present and how i treat them.  HOw i treat myself
  • The “it” today.  I saw it and it looked me straight in the eye and told me to take it.  I stayed on the other side of the room and pretended not to hear it’s taunting words.  That didn’t work so i sat across the room and stared.  I won.  “It’ left the room before i did.  I didn’t cower down…no reason too.  I have some sort of victory.  Finally.
  • Jacquim– my heart breaks at the thought of his name.  I knew love deeply and i knew hurt greatly.  I’m getting over it a little everyday but i’m starting to realize it wasn’t me.  It wasn’t my body shape.  It was God.  “He wounds and his hands heal greatly.”
  • School– finding out i might not graduate rocked my world.  I am so done with this place.  I think i worked something out.
  • Them- never been so jealous in my entire life of 2 people.  It pains me to think that the two people who have opened their hands to me so freely…i have hurt worse.  Saying one thing and taking it back without thought of what the hell i am doing. 
  • Love-waht the hell is it and when will it find me?

We are made victorious by the already but not yet.  ALREADY DONE BUT NOT YET COMPLETED.  That’s what hope is my friend.

HOpe is believing in the salvation of the Philippines, of Kosova, of Serbia, Russia, Bosnia, and everywhere your heart goes.  Everytime you leave a place leave a piece of yourself.  The same piece.  The piece that spreads joy and love and hope and peace.

“Yes, Kristen, you do this.  This is where it’s at.”

“And kristen?  while you’re at it stop genocide.”

Kristen replies, “Hell yes i will.”


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