I never saw myself as one to compromise.  To lay aside the very thing that i thought were great for something much less.  And in essence this isn’t who I am at all. I wish I had some formulated excuses for the way i am.  For the way i acted towards him and her and the jealousy that has so gripped my heart. 

Why do i get so frustrated with myself over sin.  I know sin is wrong but my approach to it is completely wrong.  This is the way it’s supposed to work: you sin, you pick yourself up, you repent, and you never do it again.  This is the way that i do it: I sin, i beat myself up for 3.4 days, i sorta repent, and then i carry it around like a new bag.  It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.  Get over it Kristen, your not perfect. 

I am the most jealous person on the face of this earth.  I get mad.  I throw things.  I am jealous of a best friend who is been nothing but lovely to me.  Done nothing but sacrifice for me.  I tell him almost constantly that this is not the way things work for me, that i ‘m not like him but it’s not true.  Every momumental thing that has happened to me in the last 3 years…seems to have happened to him first.  Maybe i should watch.  Listen. 

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I will never forget the day that this picture was taken.  I remember it like it was yesterday in fact.  I was standing in a trash dump seeing things how this child saw them.  I can remember crying that day and not being able to wipe the tears from my eyes for fear of an eye infection.  I remember standing there wondering.  I also remember overhearing some people to my far left saying, “looks like any other trash dump we have ever been too.”  Funny that.  It looked like nothing i had ever seen before.  I understood God at that time more than ever.  He was in the broken, the poor, the lost and the searching.  I was among them and i was one.  I was a child who had lost there way so many months before and the only difference was, spiritually speaking, he had found me.  He found me with all of the things i promised i would never touch in my hands.  I was searching through a trash dump looking for pieces of my life.  I had no need to.  He held everything.

Stanley talked in chapel this morning about our insecurities and the things that we do to hide them.  I know that everyday i do something to hide an insecurity.  Whether it be cry.  Stay out of a conversation.  Talk bad about someone else.  Get mad about sin in someone else that is inside of me.  or just not love. 

Love.  I want to love without abandon…

The best friend today sent me this verse.

2 Corinthians 7:1

With promises like this to pull us on, dear friends, let’s make a clean break with everything that defiles or distracts us, both within and without. Let’s make our entire lives fit and holy temples for the worship of God.

This made me think about things from a different perspective.  Here the Apostle Paul is talking to the church at Corinth about making a clean break from the prositution and defilement that they had in the past and to love Jesus.  This verse applies so strongly to me right now.  I need to make a clean break from distractions.  I didn’t think that this walk would be this hard.  Sometimes I sit around and wonder why i can’t compromise like everyone else i know but God keeps me from it.  He makes donkey talks and sinners come to him.  Somewhere in the process of that people become chosen and begin to love again.  People being to hope again.

I want to be found within a yard of hell loving people into heaven.  I want passion for the lost and i want relationships.  I don’t want to brush dirt off my feet.  I want to love people so deeply that it is reflected so deeply in my life and my relationships.  I want that. 

I want it to read…”kristen johnson one who loves all and helps all hope.”

Dear lord…let it be.

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